Fallout

  It’s not that people want to get hurt again. It’s that they want to master a situation in which they felt helpless as children. Maybe this time, the unconscious imagines, I can go back and heal that wound from long ago by engaging with somebody familiar—but new. The only problem is, by choosing familiar partners, people guarantee a familiar result: They reopen the wounds and feel even more inadequate and unlovable. This might be what has happened to you.

- source 

I think of this often. Especially when it comes to the relationships/situationships I was in and how it has shaped me. It makes sense, especially with my fantasies and shame and everything within the blurred lines. It is good to address what is happening to me and to focus on making it better and understanding me in the process. There is a bit of anxiety but also a type of peace. I actually feel comfortable living with myself, for myself without being "constantly" touched or having panic attacks before or after being intimate even with someone I trust. I keep getting back to my SA, the culture I was raised in and how it has shaped how I feel about every other person. 

To be honest I started to explore asexuality/celibacy and it feels so fucking nice to not exist just to please someone else. Living just for the sake of it. I still freeze every time someone touches me "wrongly" or the "wrong person" touches me without consent. But then again I would freeze up even after kissing my partners because I was scared of where it would lead, how stressed and uncomfortable made me feel when I could not have intercourse with them and how guilty it/they(?) made me feel. Like I was not functioning properly, bad partner and was not willing to provide "my part" of the deal.

I know I am not ready for any type of "traditional relationship", but I find it easier now to connect with people. I like to be open, share ideas and talk to them, and bond on a deeper level. But I always stumble upon the issue of how I could not open myself up both physically and mentally to one person. I know it comes from childhood and the insecurities that I´ve got from my parents. But it´s starting to be annoying. 

No matter how much I try to come full circle, it always comes back to bite me in the ass. But I will get up and fight another day, just so I can get better.

It is so nice to feel good about myself and yet it is hard work. 

But here I am a busy bee.