So, this weekend I was at home and got "When are you finally going on a diet?" from my aunt. My mother stopped doing that after I told her about my ED. I have struggled with weight for more years than I would like to admit. And it´s so fucking ironic, that this comment got me over my head with obsessing over calories and reading about weight loss again. It is so fucking ironic, how this little jab makes me feel anxious and into the diet/healthy/fitness again. I always looked at my previous blog, where I was applauded for my bulimia, restricting or not eating properly, exercising daily, and worshipping *Tumblr anorexia aesthetic*.   

What always bugged me was the constant male gaze we all were under. I can't fathom how many times I was cat-called, especially when I was a teen. It is fucking gross. Recently I was reading some stories about other people and their journeys and this one stuck with me.

  • I had been thin until my early 30s and got plenty of attention. Once I gained weight, I was told multiple times by men that I was a pretty girl, but that they 'didn't date bigger women.' I would like to lose weight. However, I almost enjoy not being objectified the way I was when I was thin.
  • My family would constantly offer 'solutions' to my weight gain, such as fad diets or offering to pay for a gym membership.

  • It feels like people are constantly trying not to offend me, like when a skinny coworker complained about needing to lose five pounds, and said, 'No offense to you though, some people like the curvy look.' Gaining weight wouldn’t have had such a negative effect on me if the people in my life hadn’t acted as though my size was so offensive. I can’t emphasize enough how life-altering it’s been.
I don´t want to starve myself to be perceived as a goal.


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