what the f*ck is this

 It has been five years since I posted anything.


I will probably use this as a form of a diary with a backup. Just last year I found out that my previous post have been deleted. Also, my first ever blogs from when I was a kid, had been wiped out by the platform. I still struggle with the concept of losing my identity of myself. It felt like they stole it when it was not profitable. I get it is a naive point of view, but maybe I thought with the internet, it will be there forever. I guess forever came to an end quicker than I expected. 

When it comes to my life in general, it still feels messy. I often get tangled up with self-sabotaging thoughts, sometimes I drink a lot and can't face the consequences. It feels like I need to get back to therapy. I deflect a lot and these past years I struggle with disassociation, being closed off, and being a coward. Anxiety is here too.

I hope all will be well, but who knows.

I certainly don´t. 


Today my playlist consisted of Fidlar and Aiden. Feels like a throwback to different time eras of my life. Also, I had a conversation with M about therapy and how we are here for each other even after all this time. It feels nice to have someone in your corner, to know you for so long, and still be your friend. Someone who has seen your worst and is still there for you telling you you´re not useless and to not be so hard on yourself, just to focus on getting better. I hope I am this kind of friend as well.

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Past few years